Love is not all about a feeling. And that is a beautiful relief.
Feelings are a part of love - that feeling of looking into your lover's eyes and feeling a welling up of emotion that fills you with utter happiness and content, that feeling of longing and attraction, that feeling of missing him/her so much that you ache physically, that feeling of care for their well-being, concern for their welfare, and joy for their success and health. Yes, feelings are part of love. But love is not a mere conglomerate of feelings. "Love is a verb," as DC Talk sings. Love is a commitment to the other person's highest good. Love is an action and a decision.
I feel love when I sit beside my husband, when he comes home, when we haven't seen each other for days after a solo trip, when we hug, when he makes me laugh so hard I double over. I feel love for him often, and I'm thankful for that. He can make me feel content, peaceful, and still in a way that no one else can. These feelings are different for everyone: maybe you feel joy hearing the other person's voice when you haven't for awhile. Maybe you just want to hang out all the time. Maybe your stomach flutters when you hold hands. Whatever it is, love is an exhilarating feeling.
However, that feeling is not a constant state of being. Sometimes other feelings reside in us, too. Sometimes, they even replace that feeling of love. Sometimes I'm irritated by my wonderful man, sometimes angry, sad, or indifferent. Sometimes I'm happy doing my own thing and not even thinking about him back at home. When I'm in the midst of those times, I still love him. I'm not in a state of non-love because I'm not feeling love at that moment. I love him still because I decide to.
I decided to commit to his highest good several years ago. I was attracted to him, I cared for him, I was drawn to him. We started dating. I saw his character. I respected his talents. I saw his love for God and the way that he loved me and pointed me to Jesus. I saw that he was trustworthy, wise with money, and asked advice of older people before making big decisions. I saw that he was a man worth following. I saw that we made a good team. I realized that we could do more good in this world together than apart. I fell in love with him. I wanted what was best for him, and I longed to be with him. Over the course of three years, I built a commitment to him. There were times when I sat back and looked at the commitment I was building and questioned it, when I prayed for wisdom and the right decision. I truly built this commitment to this man. I decided over those three years that I could commit to him, I could learn to submit to him, and I could follow him for the rest of my life. That was not a light decision, and I didn't make it in one dazzling moment on a beach at sunset. There were dazzling moments when I was overcome by my love for this wonderful, godly man, but I did not make my decision in the midst of one such moment. I built my commitment to love. He deserved no less.
When I stood in front of our friends and family on our wedding day and promised to follow him and love him no matter what, I was voicing my promise of love. That commitment sustains love. I choose consistently to love him, to put him first, to repent of times I didn't put him first, to submit to him, to trust him, to challenge him, to live with him, and to show him that I love and care for him.
When I am tempted (and fall) and am irritated or angry with him, I do not suddenly fear, "What if I don't love him anymore??" I never have that fear, because I know that my love was - and is - a choice. My feelings will ebb and flow and come with force and with gentleness, but my decision and commitment stand firm. They are not dependent on how I feel that day or who I am talking to. My love is an objective force, not a subjective feeling. Because of that, I am free, not tied to my feelings and not afraid of them. This is the fantastic state of love. I am free to love him with my whole heart, never wavering, because my love is a choice, and I promised to love him. That is far more important than how I feel in the moment.
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