How Can the Bible Trigger an Abused Person?

My Prayer 

How evil is it

How twisted

When I hear Your Word in church

Or see it in my own reading

And my mind flies

Not to the meaning 

Or application for myself

But to:

"Does he read this and use it to justify himself?"

"Does he think he's like David and I'm the betrayer?"

"Has he been seeking You like he claims?"

Or "There - this person condemned here, that's what he's like.

I remember when..." and the replay starts.

Or "Am I godly and righteous in Your eyes?

Or have I made a terrible mistake

Deceived myself into thinking I was following You?"

Even though You have led me so clearly...

My ears pressurize and ache with fear

My mind is somewhere else - not safe

And it starts with reading Your Word.

My most precious possession,

Gift of all gifts!

Revelation of You, my God and Savior and King -

And  my insides curl and shrink in fear.

The Book that can give me most comfort

Most peace and love

Most assurance I'm doing as You say -

And instead I fly to repetitive thoughts and fear.

How much worse would it be

If I had been like others I know -

Abused by a person wielding Your Word as a revolting weapon

Twisted beyond truth to selfish lies

Distorted and used to oppress!

To back up their actions to squash and manipulate!

Of all things...

When in it, You proclaim freedom, justice, and salvation to the oppressed

And You condemn oppressors.

Yet some still use it to subdue their victims.

And it's bad enough for me:

Going to Your Word and drowning in doubt

When You've clearly led me

And freed me from him.

His abuse of me led to so much self-doubt.

I want the humility without the crippling doubt of what is true.

I want faith in You,

Who have led me all the way.

I feel angry...

And I mourn

That it's so hard to read Your Word

Without triggering thoughts of anger

Judgment of him

Or plunging doubt of me.

I want to receive Your Word in freedom

I want to apply it to myself without fighting to shift my thoughts 

From him and from hurt

I want healing...

Simply to read Your Word and hear Your voice

Without him in my head.

Someday, Lord?

"Yes.

Keep fighting.

Keep mourning.

Keep noting victory

(Symptoms of my abuse are fading:

my jaw no longer pops! my tinnitus is mostly gone!

my circular thoughts come less often!

I haven't shaken and cried over my Bible in months!)

Keep giving thanks.

(Thank You, Father, for healing bit by bit!)

Keep healing your mind, synapse by synapse

Pathway by pathway.

Keep empathy.

Discard self-protection and cling to Me instead.

Keep on, precious daughter.

And one day, the fight will be over.

The final victory will be won.

You'll be with Me and all

ALL

Will be well.

You'll be truly free -

More than you can imagine now.

And in the meantime,

I'm here.

Now.

Always.

Take My Hand,

Cry on Me,

Take a moment...

And be still. 

I will lead you on from here.

But for now...

Just be.

Be with Me."

Photo credits: Kajetan Sumila and Aziz Acharki on unsplash.com