To My Friend Who Doesn't Know What Safe Is

 

My Friend,

My heart breaks for you

You've known only unhealthy

In your family ties:

Yelling commonplace

Violence a given

Manipulation a daily system

Guilt-tripping often

Habits formed

Even as you start your own marriage

Much healthier than that

But friend,

You don't know safe.

You think family is important,

Yet

You don't know safe family.

You don't know WHY family is supposed to be important.

Family is supposed to look like:

Supporting you for you, 

Not trying to get you to fit a mold

Or telling you their plan for your life.

Listening to hear your thoughts

To understand you for you

Not to gather info for their next attack or rebuttal

Weeping with you

Laughing with you

No strings attached

No expectations

Open arms acceptance of you for you

Honest, humble, gentle challenging of your sin for your good

Not to show how much better they are than you (it's in their tone and face, no matter the words)

But because they love you (not just say they love you, not just challenging you because of their expectation of you)

Praying with you when you're confused

Taking you to God's presence, knowing He's the only One who can bring clarity.

Giving advice humbly when asked,

Not cleverly inserting it wherever possible,

Trying to get their way.

Giving an honest opinion 

Without judgment if you don't agree/follow

Always feeling safe to run to 

Because they don't judge others so why would they judge you?

Instead of unsafe family where you're always thinking of what they'll think of you

Because they talk poorly of others so often,

So surely they'll think poorly of you if you don't GET IT RIGHT

Getting it right isn't something you have to worry about with healthy family

Because they just love you for you

You both can kindly disagree (without raised voices) and go about your way

Knowing the love has not changed.

You don't know that family isn't valuable just because it's family.

Family is valuable when it is safe.

When family looks like any other unhealthy relationship,

The response can be the same: 

"No thanks" and "Goodbye."

Friend, 

I grew up in healthy.

I grew up safe.

So when I was abused by others, it hit hard.

The contrast was SHARP.

I knew healthy

So I knew something there was wrong.

I couldn't put my finger on it for years,

I thought if I could just learn to communicate with him...

Things would be different.

But after awhile,

Gathering all the pieces of gunk in a basket,

I started putting the puzzle together,

And I knew.

My body knew before that:

The heart-thumping with conversations

The cloudy head when I was desperate to understand and communicate

The stomach issues

The tight jaw

The tinnitus...

But friend,

You see my situation and think,

"It's not that bad; why would you react so strongly?"

But oh my friend,

You don't know what healthy is.

Photo Credit: Helena Lopes on unsplash.com