Love and what we should do with it

While I was driving to work today, I was thinking of the ongoing debate in churches about homosexuality. (When I say ongoing, I mean that this debate is a couple thousand years old.) I thought of the different memes I see on Facebook like "Not accepting your lifestyle is different than hate" etc. So I was thinking on that.

Love is a word that we toss around a lot in society, and hence, a lot of people (not just teens) are confused as to what the word means. My husband and I have thought about this and agree that love means "dedication to the highest good of another person." When you're in a relationship, attraction/chemistry is the feel-good part. That's not love itself. It's very good for a relationship and often starts the relationship. But that's not love. Love is the choice you make, daily, to commit to that person and to their good. 

Jesus calls us to love others. The Bible, His Word, lays out the way this world works. God is good, God is love, and the world works according to who He is since He created it. In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis talks about the world and morality being like a machine: if you run a machine according to its instructions, it works well. If you try to take shortcuts or run the machine the opposite of how it is supposed to be run, it will break down, and it won't run as efficiently. So, the "rules" in the Bible are the instruction manual for how the world works. 

Patrick Wood, in his blog, said,

"I believe that God created the universe.  I have come to believe that the universe works in harmony with itself and all its respective pieces interact with all the other pieces because God is love.  Not that God is a god of love like Mars is the god of war.  I mean that God is love.  It is His very nature.  It defines His existence.  And He created the universe.  Therefore the basic moral and functional code of the universe is love.

I do not believe Christianity is following a bunch of rules.  I do not believe that you have to follow "these" X number of steps or rules to find happiness or success.  I do not believe you have do do X, Y, and Z to have a happy marriage.  I believe that the answer to it all is love."

According to the Bible (1 Tim. 1:10, 1 Corinthians 6:9, etc.) the act of two men or two women having sex is a sin, like sex outside marriage is a sin. Or pornography. Or caring about objects more than people. Or cheating on your spouse. Or lying. Or hurting someone on purpose. Or disrespecting your parents (Exodus 20:12). Or calling someone names (Matt. 5:22). Or being angry with someone. I understand why LGBT believes that Christians hate homosexuals. Some Christians are confused and judgmental and DO hate homosexuals. Nobody likes being called a sinner, and we call the whole darn world sinners! The Bible is not picking on homosexuals -- it's addressing the sins of everyone in the whole world. That's a lot of different sins.

All of us sin. If I decide not to love someone who sins, I won't love anyone.

However, this is not the response Jesus required. Remember, He is the Creator of the universe, and He said, "Love one another." (John 13:34-35, John 15:12-17) His whole life on earth as a man demonstrated love toward everyone. He loved the crippled and oppressed, who were looked down on in society. He loved women, who were about as valued as dirt in that society. He loved adulterers. He loved tax collectors, who cheated people. He loved rough and uneducated fishermen. He loved the Pharisees by pointing out their wrong thinking that was leading them astray. He forgave sins left and right. (Remember, He suffered horribly on the cross for each sin they committed, so it was personal.) He loved everyone He came in contact with. He listened to each person and saw into their hearts, and He loved them. If He (who created us to be like Him) can see all the dirt and sin and nastiness in peoples' hearts and love us despite it, then we have no excuse for not loving the people around us.

So yes, I can disagree with your lifestyle and still love you and want what's best for you. I do this with my family, my spouse, my friends, and my coworkers all the time! They're all sinners just like me, and I love them. So saying that I believe that homosexuality is wrong but that I love homosexuals just like everyone else shouldn't be hard to accept. (And by the way, this is not just generally true, but specifically true. I have good friends who are gay, and I love them dearly.)

Loving someone is intentional. So Christians, when you love people, or when you say you love homosexuals like everyone else, that means more than tolerance. The world calls for tolerance, but Jesus calls us higher (as usual). No one wants to be "tolerated." It's like being ignored. You don't want your spouse to "tolerate" you. Loving is really looking out for the people around you and being kind and considerate for their good, no matter how they treat you. 

So...saying that you love homosexuals is great, but if you dislike your neighbor because their dog barks and poops on your lawn, you're still not following what Jesus said. You're not living the way you're designed to live. You're still taking a shortcut. If you say you love people who are different from you, that's great, but what about the boyfriend that cheated on you and tore your heart out? Have you forgiven him? How about the parent that made you feel like you were worthless or dirty? Have you forgiven them? How about the bully? The coworker that is condescending and tries to make you look bad? The person who gossips about you and tries to ruin your reputation? Have you forgiven those people? Are you loving them? Let's think about that. 

God calls us to love everyone we come in contact with. That's what Jesus did. And if you ask Him, He will give you His love to people when you just can't love or forgive them on your own. So ask Him to, even if you don't want to. 

Let's go out there and love.

Photo credit: Michael Fenton on unsplash.com

The Woman Caught in Adultery

Inspired by John 8:2-11

“Is he the Christ?”

“No man ever spoke like this man!”

“No prophet comes from Galilee.”

His voice is powerful as he teaches

He sits and speaks like we matter

We cannot look away from those eyes

They see us as we are.

                Then

The temple door flings open

Our leaders, the Pharisees, come marching in

                Robes flowing

                Beards magnificent

                Eyes regarding us

                From the heights.

They drag a woman

                Clothes rumpled

                Hair disheveled

                Eyes full

                Of fear, of SHAME

“Teacher!” they shout

So we all can hear

Like their lives,

This too is a performance.

They, the antagonists in this tragedy.

Their voices are triumphant

Finally, they know how this will end.

“This woman was caught in adultery!

In the very act!”

They puff up their chests as we gasp

We stare at her,

Mesmerized by this sinner’s awful shame

“Moses commanded that such – “

They gesture to the heap of sin between them –

“should be stoned.”

We look at each other, excited.

Yes, death is the answer to this problem

                But

The Romans – our blood boils –

Do not allow us to condemn to death!

                But

Jesus cannot let this woman go!

He, our great prophet, our teacher,

Cannot violate Jehovah’s Law!

Some of us realize

This is what they have done.

What will Jesus do?

We look back at him, breathless.

What is he doing?

We crane our necks to look

Why, he’s scribbling on the floor!

Did he hear them? We whisper to each other.

Jesus, can’t you see they’re testing you?

The woman’s strength finally fails.

She collapses to the ground

“Why isn’t he here with me?”

She whispers, sobs

“He said he loved me!

He said he’d care for me!”

She covers her weeping eyes.

A foot jabs her in the side.

She is not worthy of tears.

“Teacher!”

They are impatient with the tragic hero

In this play

His fatal flaw: his claim to be I AM

Why does he still write on the stones?

Sweat beads every forehead

Mingles with the adulteress’ tears

Running through the cracks

In the stones

Toward Jesus’ invisible words.

They stamp,

We’re all impatient for the end.

“Teacher!”

He looks up

We hold our breath

He stands and looks each of us

                In the eye.

“He who is without sin,

Let him throw the first stone.”

Their eyes widen.

We wait, ready now for a stoning.

Jesus stoops down

                And writes.

The leader with the whitest beard

                And weakest steps

Rises

And leaves.

The man holding the woman

Lets go

And leaves.

One

                By

                                One.

We all leave.

Our sins – our own sins – condemn us.

Looking back, we see Jesus rise.

“Woman.”

She raises her tear streaked face

                Abandoned by her lover

                Abandoned by accusers

                Alone with God.

“Where are your accusers?

Has no one condemned you?”

Shaking, she speaks,

                “No one, Lord.”

His eyes meet hers

She cannot look away

Her shaking stops.

He takes her hand and

                Gently – so gently –

                Lifts her up.

“Neither do I condemn you.”

New tears slide down her face.

“Go, and sin no more.”

Man and mankind betrayed her

But this is not just a man.

She looks in his eyes

One last time

She knows she is saved

                Not just from stoning

Her heart, her soul, are free

Her life belongs to the Teacher

No man and no gossip

Will own it ever again.

She whispers, “Thank You.”

And he knows.

She turns and walks out

Into the Light.

Photo credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash.com

Discuss - Argue - Fight

Once upon a time, in my sophomore English class, a young man raised his hand and contributed this statement to the class discussion:

"Fighting is part of a healthy relationship."

I can only assume that he was raised this way, that it was easy to justify his own relationships that way, and that he really believed what he said. Think about modern television ( Survivor, Disney channel,choose a sitcom any sitcom, etc.) and pop songs (Pink: "Blow Me One Last Kiss", Maroon 5 in general, Christina Perri: "Jar of Hearts"). The media completely supports his statement. Why would he think otherwise?

But I think otherwise. Because

1) I believe the Bible when it says, "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him” (Proverbs 26:4), "the godless in heart cherish anger" (Job 36:13) and "Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools" (Ecc. 7:9).

2) I grew up in a home where we were not allowed raise our voices, call names, or say hurtful things. If we disagreed or were mad, we were required to "work it out,"  give apologies and ask/give forgiveness. My household was fun, peaceful at the core, and we loved each other actively, if sometimes grudgingly, in the midst of conflict.

3)  I've seen the lasting pain and fear that come from fighting in the home. I conclude that learning to deal with conflict is helpful. Strife is not.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary,

Discuss means "a. To investigate by reasoning or argument. b. To present in detail for examination or consideration. c. To talk about." (Basically, to talk.)

Argue means "a. To give reasons for or against something. b. To contend or disagree in words." (Basically, to try to persuade.)

Fight means "a. To use weapons or physical force to try to hurt someone, to defeat an enemy, etc. b. To struggle in battle or physical combat. c. To argue in an angry way." (Basically, to try to dominate.)

I lived with a friend at one point whose goal in conflict was to win. Sounds normal, right? When you disagree with someone, you usually want to "win" the argument, like in debate club where you persuade someone to your point of view. When she encountered conflict, she brought up anything negative about me as well as any issues that she had kept to herself till that point, and she was not exactly logical. Her goal was to beat me down, not resolve the conflict. Guess how well that works.

The results of this common mindset are varied and logical:
People avoid conflict with you.
People lie to you to avoid conflict.
People harbor resentment against you that they'll never resolve with you because they know exactly how that "conversation" will go. It will turn into a fight that they are not allowed to win.
Your relationships are on the rocks without you even knowing it.
You lose friends quickly.
Any argument turns into a fight because if the other person is desperate enough to discuss it, they know they'll have to be louder, angrier, or more hurtful to shut you up and get their point across.

Makes sense, right? But people with this mindset don't understand that these results are happening. No one will be open with them because the other person wants to avoid a fight. Do the verses above about "godless" and "fools" make sense now?

So. What are some other options?

Here's the way I see it.

Conflict is an opportunity. For what? For growth. For learning. When you disagree with someone, you have a couple choices. You can concede to their opinion/idea and humbly give up your own, or you can calmly discuss your option with them. You can start by discussing the options, presenting different ideas. Then, if you feel it is important to argue your own point, you argue, using reasons (pros and cons, logistics, beliefs, etc.) that directly relate to the issue. You do not let any negative emotions color your wording, you do not raise your voice, and you do not lash out. When you both decide to be calm and listen to the other person's point of view, your relationship can actually grow  and strengthen through the conflict.

Let me give a couple examples. It's crazy how being completely calm and kind can radically change an argument.

When I lived in Colorado, we had bunnies and a crazy neighbor. I call the neighbor crazy because we lived in a fairly normal neighborhood, but she planted cacti, barbed wire, and "Trespassers will be shot" signs. The front door was almost impossible to access because of the cacti and sharp plants that surrounded it. My bunny escaped and ran into her backyard. Gulp. She had already confronted us angrily about the bunny in the past. I needed to get my dumb rabbit back, so I screwed up my courage and traveled through Maleficent's thorns, past her "Trespassers will die" sign to ring her doorbell. Her face was contorted in anger already when she opened the door. However, as I calmly explained the situation and responded to her nasty words with sugar-sweet kindness and laughed at myself (taking full responsibility for my escapee rabbit), her face thawed out. Until you try this, you can't really understand what that means, but it's great to watch. She helped me find my rabbit, and after that, we were friendly neighbors. She actually brought Hannah (my rabbit) back to me with a smile and a joke the next time she escaped.

Think about how this encounter could have gone otherwise. If I had been defensive, called her crazy, been belligerent about her weird yard, or raised my voice, I could have had my eyes gouged out like Prince Charming! But seriously, I could have cemented the idea that I was a jerk and that we'd never be good neighbors. I could have "won the fight" but the war would be lost. Our remaining time in that house would have been super awkward as we strove to avoid each other. Also, that's a great way to ruin my witness for Jesus. These are not the greatest options.

Another example. When I worked at a day camp at the YMCA in Tennessee, we were taught conflict management very similar to the way I had been raised. An angry father stormed into the gym one day, looking for his kid who was currently at the swimming pool. I listened sympathetically (figure out your sympathetic face if it doesn't come easily to you), validated his concerns ("I understand. That really is frustrating."), assured him his child would be there soon, and watched his whole stance relax. By letting him vent, not trying to defend myself (why would I?), and being completely calm and kind, I helped him feel safe, validated, and calm. He actually had a normal conversation with me after that and even apologized for being upset. Again, think how this situation could have played out if I had escalated the situation by deciding, "This guy is a jerk. Who does he think he is, running in here and accusing me of something that I have nothing to do with? What's his problem? I have the right to be angry and to put him in his place. I definitely have the right to defend myself and shut him up!" What good would that have done? Even if I had "won" and put him in his place, we would both have been angry and maybe gone our respective ways to talk crap about each other and stew in our nasty little hearts. Instead, we parted with smiles and a legitimately good feeling. We had conflict and we resolved it. It feels good...because it's right.

So, take this a step further. When you and a family member or a boy/girlfriend disagree about something, and you've determined this through the discussion stage, what do you do? Think through these variables:
1) Is it a good time to figure this out? Are either of you emotionally compromised or too tired to think rationally?
2) Is it worth hashing out? Is it a small enough issue that a concession on your part would do a favor for the other person and not cause bitterness  in your heart? (P.S. You are never allowed to bring up favors you've done for the other person to argue a point. It's not a favor at that point: it's a debt that you've forced on them. Not cool.)
3) Do you want to come to a compromise or agreement on this or do you just want to be right? That's not a good starting point.

The goal of conflict and arguments for my husband and me is to help each other understand something, to work out whatever we disagree on, or to figure out how to love each other better than we are doing currently. We never fight. Fighting only builds walls. It doesn't solve anything. We love each other, we value our marriage, and for those reasons, we will never fight each other. We disagree on issues pretty often. We get hurt; we misunderstand. We get frustrated. We are two different people with different personalities who were raised differently. It's ok to disagree or to express that our feelings have been hurt. But we do not go head to head over an issue. Instead, we stand together and attack the issue. The goal is better communication and better understanding for the future. Loving someone actively involves letting go of your need to "be right" or "win" and listening to what they have to say, respecting their opinion enough to withhold unkind or angry words, and seeing the issue as the problem to solve, not viewing the other person as the problem.

My mom-in-law often says that most marriage problems could be solved if people were willing to "just be nice!!" There's something to that.

If you have a story to back up my theory, if you have recommendations for good books on this issue, or if you want to share your experiences with fighting vs. arguing vs. disagreeing, please share in the comments below!

Life is full of opportunities to love. Don't waste it on unkindness and fights.

Photo credit: Clay Banks on Unsplash.com

Suffering: How do we deal with hard times in a fallen world?

A young boy is betrayed by the people who are, above all, supposed to love him. They throw him into a pit, and, while debating whether or not to KILL THEIR BROTHER, they sell him to slave traders on a whim. He undergoes a long journey, led and grown by God, and when he, now one of the most powerful men in the known world, meets his brothers again, he FORGIVES THEM, saying, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."

This man suffered greatly. Injustice was rampant in his life. Yet, the above quote was his response. You can read the whole story in Genesis 39-50.

So here is the question for us: how do we deal with suffering?

First of all, where does suffering come from? Sin is the short answer. The world is fallen, and people make poor choices, our hormones leave us in despair, human cruelty spreads its nastiness across our way, and we forget that love and Jesus are the answer. Our bodies are broken and fallen, and so are our minds. There is much room for suffering and pain in such a world. In Vince Wood's book The Train, he explains,

"Why is there pain in this world?  Most people think that God’s purpose was to create a world, free from pain and suffering, in which man could live.  If Eden was God’s ultimate goal, the skeptic has a legitimate question, “Why would a good God allow so much pain and suffering in His world?”  However, the Scripture does not present Eden as the goal of creation.  God’s purpose was always redemption.  The angels who remain in their created perfection look with awe at the story of redemption (1 Peter 1:12).  God chose His people in Christ “before the foundation of the world.”  His objective has always been to redeem a people for Himself (2 Samuel 7:23).

            So why is there pain?  Pain exists to wean mankind from a sin-cursed world.  Any loving parent would be heartbroken if his child was content to live in filth.  To see your daughter digging in a garbage dump to find the remnants of a chicken leg for her dinner would crush you.  To hear her choose such a living condition when she is welcome in your home is even worse.  God created man for something more than life in a world ravaged by sin."

So what is the purpose of suffering for the Christian? God tells us that the outcome of trials is our good. He "only designs, our dross to consume, and our gold to refine" ("How Firm a Foundation", Keen). He can redeem any situation, no matter how impossible it seems. Sometimes through suffering, we realize that we are unable to stand on our own, that our frail attempt at independence (how arrogant and silly of us!) is only a ruse, and that we need Christ every single moment. Sometimes through suffering, our barriers to God are broken down, and we experience a new and wonderful fellowship with Christ that we were keeping from ourselves before. Sometimes we learn insights about ourselves, about others, and about God. There are many things that can happen for our good through the trials of this world, no matter how crazy and out of control the circumstances seem at the time.

"'I believe,' he said, 'but I have learned that it is a secret. Kindness and love, they are a secret. But I have learned that kindness and love can pay for pain and suffering...'
'I have never thought that a Christian would be free of suffering...For our Lord suffered. And I come to believe that he suffered, not to save us from suffering, but to teach us how to bear suffering. For he knew that there is no life without suffering'" (Cry, the Beloved Country; Alan Paton).

"'Ye said the Lord took sides against us, because he lets us be 'bused and knocked round,; but ye see what come on his own Son, - the blessed Lord of Glory, - wan't he allays poor? and have we, any on us, yet come so low as he come? The Lord han't forgot us, - I'm [certain of that]. If we suffer with him, we shall also reign, Scripture says; but, if we we deny Him, he also will deny us. Didn't they all suffer? - the Lord and all his? It tells how they was stoned and sawn asunder, and wandered about in sheep-skins and goat-skins and was destitute, afflicted, tormented. Sufferin' an't no reason to make us think the Lord's turned agin us; but jest the contrary, if only we hold on to him, and doesn't give up to sin'" (Tom in Uncle Tom's Cabin 306). 

I've come to believe the following: God is all-seeing and all-knowing, so He knows that trials and sin will hurt us in specific times and ways. He is sinless and perfect, so He does not CAUSE these things to happen. It would be completely against His nature. He can choose to stop them from happening, and oftentimes, He does. He saves us from car accidents, from muggings, from sickness. But  He can weigh the future, He can stop evil from happening, and He ALWAYS brings good from bad for His children. We don't usually see the good in the situation right away; sometimes it takes months or even years, and sometimes we won't see the good till we get to heaven. But we know that God keeps His promises, and that He promises to redeem every trial, to bring gold out of dross. I believe that sometimes, He sees what will happen, and He sees that the good He will bring from the suffering is better, is more glorious for us, than the suffering not happening at all. This is most difficult to believe while in these hard situations.

The spiritual battle is happening behind the car wreck, the death of a loved one, the depression, the anxiety, the fear of the future, the broken relationship, the countless setbacks of daily life. That spiritual battle is what has an effect on our souls, not just our bodies. However, if we choose to believe this truth, then we are blessed because we know that God is working, that He loves us beyond what we can imagine, and that He is fighting for our good. My husband's grandfather often said in the midst of extreme pain, "God is good, and He can be trusted."

When we choose to cling daily to Christ, wrapping ourselves in His love, and seeking Him actively every day, trusting Him to bring good out of the unspeakable evil, we are blessed. We are blessed beyond what we would have been if we had not experienced the trial at all. That is the amazing power of God on earth. He loves us more than we can imagine, and He knows best; He sees the beautiful tapestry woven together, not just of my life, but of all our lives. He weaves together the intersections, the patterns, the breath-taking picture of it all. Take heart, friends. "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).



See the following links for good songs in times of suffering:

Ginny Owens "If You Want Me To"
Laura Story "Blessings"
Meredith Andrews "You're Not Alone"

Photo by mwangi gatheca on Unsplash

Relationship Red Flags

We all know relationships can be hard! We are a fallen people, and even when we try to do what's right, we sometimes still hurt one another. 

God has brought many people into my life to love. Many of them have been involved in abusive or difficult relationships. Some of them have turned out to be abusive themselves. Some are married, some are divorced, some are dating. The first time I really saw someone go through this was in college when a very dear friend of mine married a man who then showed his true colors and was emotionally, spiritually, and physically abusive to her. I didn't find out till she had left him after 10 months of hell. My eyes were opened in a new way to what manipulation can do in a relationship.

When I was teaching in a public high school, one of my students asked me, "How do you know if a guy really loves you? What is REAL love?" Well, that's a blog post for another day, but I could at least tell her that love is not just an emotion (that's attraction or infatuation, which often begins relationships); love is a commitment to the highest good of another person. I knew that she had a difficult background and had been through many relationships with some damaging guys, so I went home and thought about her question and what was behind it.

I came up with a chart that differentiated guys who were genuinely caring, guys who were manipulative, and guys who were basically losers. It was my first attempt to write on paper what I had seen my friend go through. It was a rough sketch, but my student appreciated my small efforts. I think she was more impressed that I had thought enough of her question to write it! 

Over the years,  I have come across more and more people (women AND men) who have been manipulated and abused by people who were supposed to love them. Often, the people who abuse have been abused themselves, so it's easy for their partner to excuse them and put up with the abuse. That is a mistake. It sends a clear signal to the abuser that they do not need to change -- they have an "out," and they WILL use it. If you love this person and want what's best for them, you will not put up with the abuse. You will stand up for yourself and let them know that it's not ok to act the way they do.

Here's an article that relates specifically to this idea: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/ 

This is the important thing to remember: the manipulator wants control above everything else. They will apologize, send suicide notes/pictures, threaten, woo, promise to change, make some changes, ANYTHING to get you back into their control. They feel helpless without control over you. So help them by cutting that off. If they truly have changed, generally, they will not contact you or try to be in a relationship with you anymore because they will have realized just how damaging they are to you, and if they truly care about you, they will know that they are not good for you and will back off. They will NOT try to win you back if they truly care. 

The person being manipulated is often confused because the person abusing them says they love them, and it really seems to be true. I will not say that no abuser loves his or her partner, but I will say that the abuser is not truly loving their partner if they are not acting for their partner's highest good. If you have to earn your spouse's love by acting the way they want you to, it's not true love. It's control. Remember Pavlov's dog. Think about it: if the actions you choose are determined by the punishment or "love" that you will receive in return, you're in dangerous waters. That's how the manipulator controls you. 

I took my little chart and developed it as God gave me the chance to love on more people in difficult relationships. Because both men and women can be manipulative abusers, I have included both gender pronouns alternatively throughout the list. At the end of this list is the cycle of abuse. I did not come up with this; Lenore E. Walker developed this social cycle theory in 1979. You can read more about the theory at ccwrc.org, where I found the graphic at http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/cycle_of_abuse.html. You can google it; it's a widespread theory with very realistic implications. 

If at the end, you can identify with these red flags, take some time to think and seek counsel. If you would like to share your story in the comments, please do. It's good for people to know that they are not alone.

Relationship Red Flags: Signs of Abuse

Change in Relationship: He started out wooing you so perfectly. He was kind and brought flowers, bought you gifts and was so romantic. You’re a little confused by the way he is starting to dictate things for you, but you feel that of course it’s because he's protective and loves you so much. You don’t want to question it, but he is starting to be pretty controlling. He tells you it’s for your good. He gets angry when you do something he doesn't like or if you do/say anything outside of his control. Then he apologizes and you feel that it was your fault. You don’t think he trusts you.  You start doubting yourself. You start fearing his reaction to things. He hits the wall, throws things, (these are intimidation moves), blocks your exit from a room or situation, pushes you, slaps you, kicks you, or hurts your animals/kids (even once is a sign that it won't be the last time).

Drastic Change in Lifestyle: She has completely altered your lifestyle. She is stepping in and changing most of your routines, the way you do things. You’re not “allowed” to do things that you used to do because she's in the picture now and did you really expect to be able to just do your own life the way you used to? She makes you feel selfish for asking for time for yourself or with friends.

Controlling money: She keeps you from getting a job, usually not overtly, but by keeping the car from you or encouraging you to stay home sick or telling you that you won't be able to perform the duties involved. "Do you really think you can handle that?" "It's ok if you don't get that job. I can handle it."  “You may not spend more than ____ without my permission. You may only carry ____ on your person.” “I am the only person who can look at the finances.” "You know I'm better at this than you -- I want to protect you from worry." "I'm the husband -- it's my responsibility." "I need to know where our money goes, so trust me and don't spend more than I tell you." You don't have access to the bank account. Somehow she makes this seem normal or ok even though it's really not ok or normal for only one person in a relationship to have full access to the money of the household.

Controlling location: After awhile, you realize that you are isolated. He encourages you to criticize or dislike other people and the company of others. He humiliates you in front of other people so you don't like to be around those people. You move a lot. “I have to know where you are at all times.” “Where are you? Why didn't you tell me?” Feeling guilty if you haven’t checked in with him in a while: “He’ll be so mad if I don’t text him right now…”

Controlling wardrobe: “Go change. You can’t wear that.” You see yourself as a modest dresser, but you have to check with him almost every time you get dressed. He demands to see the wedding dress so he can approve the style. He decides what you can wear to seduce him. He has wardrobe requirements for you. His reaction is anger when he sees you wearing something he doesn't like. You constantly feel guilty about your wardrobe.

Controlling outside communication: “Our relationship is our business. You can’t talk about our relationship with other people. It’s our relationship.” “You can’t talk to that person without my permission.” “I have to be here if you’re going to call them.” You feel like you can’t be open with other people or she will get mad. Saying to others, “Well, I need to ask her if I can share that with you.” She limits time on the phone, Facebook, etc.

Oppression of Emotion: You go through a cycle. There are times when he is so kind and loving, and you feel so lucky to be with him. Then, somehow you disappoint him or he has a bad day. He gets angry, he is frustrated with you. He lashes out, either in words or actions. He limits you. You feel sad, depressed, anxious, and you don't know why. You feel like you can never say things right to get through to him. You must be a terrible communicator even though no one else has trouble understanding you. Your brain gest foggy, your heart races, or you shake when you have conversations that just seem to go in circles and you don't know why. You're not allowed to show "extreme" emotions (like sadness or anger or passion) because that shows you're weak. You have to be stoic or he won't take you seriously. He still doesn't take you seriously if you have a difference of opinion. Facts don't matter if he doesn't like the facts. He always has to win the conversation. 

You think, "It's not all the time; most of the times he's fine. It's just every now and then that we have a problem. "(Most survivors of abuse think this exact thought. It keeps them in the relationship.) If you think about it, you realize that he has a pattern that centers around his comfort, his being on top. If he thinks his authority, values, character, opinion, or _____ is threatened, then he uses shame, guilt, threats, intimidation, change of topic, blame-shifting, anger, etc. to get back on top and get others to back off so that he is comfortable again. That means that most of the time, he can be really sweet and give gifts and be funny and charming, and you think, "He can't be abusive. This isn't abusive!" but that's only because you try to make his life as comfortable as possible so he doesn't blow up or guilt-trip you or ______. 

 

You just want him to be kind and loving again because you LIVE for those times. He blows up. Then, it's over. He's kind again. It's like nothing ever happened. The cycle begins again. 

In the bad part of the cycle, he or she puts you down -- to your face or to your friends, family, and maybe even in public places. You feel like you need his approval. You feel like you’re walking on egg shells because you don’t know what will upset him because it changes day to day. Why are you such a bad person? Aren't you lucky that you have him to make you a better person? You feel guilty often. (Truth: God does not use guilt as leverage.  Neither will a spouse in a healthy relationship!) When you confront him about anything, he ends up making YOU apologize. You feel bad afterwards because you end up feeling like you’re at fault. He tells you that it’s your fault for provoking him and you often believe him, or you live knowing that you need to give in just to have “peace”. He is NEVER WRONG. (If you cannot think of a time that he admitted being wrong without caveats, that’s a huge warning sign.) There’s always an add-on to an apology: “I’m sorry, but you know you can’t do this or I have to react like this. When you do that, you make me feel _____ and then I can’t help myself.” He finds your weak point and uses it. “You know that you sin like this. This is your temptation, and I’m helping you overcome it. I’m actually being very patient with you.”  “You promised to love me and be my spouse no matter what.” “I’m mentally sick – that’s what makes me act this way – and you promised to be with me in sickness and in health!” He insinuates, or you get the idea, that he would love you more if you were better, more submissive, less trouble, easier to live with. You are constantly trying to grow his love for you. You feel you have to prove that you’re a good spouse/person or that you love him. You wish often that you could measure up. (Truth: God loves you as you are currently. His relationship with you is what grows you. He is not standing over you with a whip, trying to make you better. Your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend should not either. It’s not his/her job. It’s his/her job to love you, listen to you, and show you how much God loves you.)

Here's a good article on emotional abuse: http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse 

Intimidation:  Making you back down by acting dangerously or threatening you, your children, your family, etc. Throwing things, shouting. Threatening suicide, sending you pictures of their cut wrist, etc.

There’s no standard for your relationship: You have not seen any other happy couples doing these things, saying things like this, living this way. You have to follow more rules than she does. You’re always second place in your home/relationship. You feel like your relationship is unique instead of looking to godly examples of relationships. She is the boss of your relationship. You must never question what she says. You’re not on equal footing. Your relationship doesn’t feel like a partnership where you bounce ideas off each other and learn from each other. Her word is law. That law can change based on a whim. 

Suspicion: “Why did you hug that guy? Who is he? You can’t hug other men!” “Who are you talking to on the phone? Why? What do they want? Why are you laughing?” “Where were/are you ? You’re making me worry about you. You know you shouldn’t do ____.”

One-sided morality: He is allowed to do things that you are not. He has dictated this. He has a reason for why he is allowed to do this but you are not.  “You’re not allowed in my office because I don’t want you to worry about the business side of the home. I don’t want you to feel burdened by that. You know you idolize money, so I’m helping you overcome that.” “I can talk to other women because you know that’s simply not a temptation for me. I don’t need protection from other women, but you need protection from other men. I’m looking out for your best interests.” You find yourself in despair because you'll never be good enough for him or for God. If you could just "get it right!" but you never can. 

Submission demanded: Submission is, by definition, a choice of the woman to the Lord. If the man is ever demanding submission, that is a huge warning sign. It’s not his job to demand submission. It’s his job to LOVE as Jesus loves us sacrificially. He/she should show you that he/she adores you, not try to fix you. Look at Jesus’ example of loving people on earth. Is your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend reflecting Jesus to you? Or is he demanding submission? Healthy relationships don't demand submission from one another.

Ephesians 5

 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema

Victimizing Myself

Victimization.

I've thought a lot about what this word means lately. There are times in life when we all feel like victims. Let's face it: life is tough.

I just finished reading the Hiding Place for a class I'm teaching in the Fall. Now THERE is an example of victimization! The Jews in the 1940s were victims of the Holocaust, of hate, of betrayal, and of a cruelty that most of us can't even imagine. The tenBoom family in Holland was victim to the Nazi movement as well. They chose to help and hide Jews from this cruelty, and they were imprisoned, beaten, placed in concentration camps, and (some) were even killed. Surely this family had the right to call themselves victims!

What blew my mind is that they didn't.

To Betsie ten Boom, every new place they were led, every darkest prison they experienced, every person who beat and screamed at them was an opportunity to share Christ's love and Gospel. Who did she see as victims? The Nazis. She said over and over to her sister Corrie while in a concentration camp: "Corrie! These people can be taught to hate, so they can be taught to love! We must do something for them when we get out of this place." Her father, Caspar, was the same way. When they saw Nazis leading Jews away, he said, "I fear for them, Corrie. They have touched the apple of God's eye." He died from his imprisonment. A German leader told the elderly man that he'd like to let him go, so if Caspar would just tell him that he'd go home and "be good," then he was free to go. Caspar ten Boom stood tall and told the man that if he went home, he would still open his door to anyone in need. He chose not to be a victim of his circumstances, but to stand for what was right, to be the man God made him to be.

People say that circumstances shape us. I have come to believe that this statement is false. It becomes an excuse for a lesser existence, an excuse for the blame game. I believe that we are shaped through our RESPONSE to our circumstances. The tenBooms were not shaped by the horrors they experienced: the choices they made over and over for good, to trust God unflinchingly in all situations, made them who they were. They were an unbeatable force for God. They were never conquered. Not by Nazis, not by imprisonment, not by the concentration camps and cruelty beyond our ken. Their choices made them who they were. They had opportunities to share the Gospel and demonstrate God's love and be a beacon of Light, and they believed they were BLESSED because of this. God was with them, showing His provision and love every step they took. They saw the world through God's eyes and were at peace, no matter where they were. They were not victims: they were victors.

I believe we can make the same choices they did. We do not have to experience a concentration camp to trust God daily and love others. One at a time, we can make choices that define who we are in Christ: to love, to forgive, to see beyond earthly sin and circumstances, and to be at peace in our heavenly Father. Don't let earthly standards and "your rights" define your life. Cling to God and ask for His eyes in this world. Only then can we rise from victim to victor.

Photo Credit: Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash