"Fighting is part of a healthy relationship."
I can only assume that he was raised this way, that it was easy to justify his own relationships that way, and that he really believed what he said. Think about modern television ( Survivor, Disney channel,choose a sitcom any sitcom, etc.) and pop songs (Pink: "Blow Me One Last Kiss", Maroon 5 in general, Christina Perri: "Jar of Hearts"). The media completely supports his statement. Why would he think otherwise?
But I think otherwise. Because
1) I believe the Bible when it says, "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him” (Proverbs 26:4), "the godless in heart cherish anger" (Job 36:13) and "Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools" (Ecc. 7:9).
2) I grew up in a home where we were not allowed raise our voices, call names, or say hurtful things. If we disagreed or were mad, we were required to "work it out," give apologies and ask/give forgiveness. My household was fun, peaceful at the core, and we loved each other actively, if sometimes grudgingly, in the midst of conflict.
3) I've seen the lasting pain and fear that come from fighting in the home. I conclude that learning to deal with conflict is helpful. Strife is not.
According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary,
Discuss means "a. To investigate by reasoning or argument. b. To present in detail for examination or consideration. c. To talk about." (Basically, to talk.)
Argue means "a. To give reasons for or against something. b. To contend or disagree in words." (Basically, to try to persuade.)
Fight means "a. To use weapons or physical force to try to hurt someone, to defeat an enemy, etc. b. To struggle in battle or physical combat. c. To argue in an angry way." (Basically, to try to dominate.)
I lived with a friend at one point whose goal in conflict was to win. Sounds normal, right? When you disagree with someone, you usually want to "win" the argument, like in debate club where you persuade someone to your point of view. When she encountered conflict, she brought up anything negative about me as well as any issues that she had kept to herself till that point, and she was not exactly logical. Her goal was to beat me down, not resolve the conflict. Guess how well that works.
The results of this common mindset are varied and logical:
People avoid conflict with you.
People lie to you to avoid conflict.
People harbor resentment against you that they'll never resolve with you because they know exactly how that "conversation" will go. It will turn into a fight that they are not allowed to win.
Your relationships are on the rocks without you even knowing it.
You lose friends quickly.
Any argument turns into a fight because if the other person is desperate enough to discuss it, they know they'll have to be louder, angrier, or more hurtful to shut you up and get their point across.
Makes sense, right? But people with this mindset don't understand that these results are happening. No one will be open with them because the other person wants to avoid a fight. Do the verses above about "godless" and "fools" make sense now?
So. What are some other options?
Here's the way I see it.
Conflict is an opportunity. For what? For growth. For learning. When you disagree with someone, you have a couple choices. You can concede to their opinion/idea and humbly give up your own, or you can calmly discuss your option with them. You can start by discussing the options, presenting different ideas. Then, if you feel it is important to argue your own point, you argue, using reasons (pros and cons, logistics, beliefs, etc.) that directly relate to the issue. You do not let any negative emotions color your wording, you do not raise your voice, and you do not lash out. When you both decide to be calm and listen to the other person's point of view, your relationship can actually grow and strengthen through the conflict.
Let me give a couple examples. It's crazy how being completely calm and kind can radically change an argument.
When I lived in Colorado, we had bunnies and a crazy neighbor. I call the neighbor crazy because we lived in a fairly normal neighborhood, but she planted cacti, barbed wire, and "Trespassers will be shot" signs. The front door was almost impossible to access because of the cacti and sharp plants that surrounded it. My bunny escaped and ran into her backyard. Gulp. She had already confronted us angrily about the bunny in the past. I needed to get my dumb rabbit back, so I screwed up my courage and traveled through Maleficent's thorns, past her "Trespassers will die" sign to ring her doorbell. Her face was contorted in anger already when she opened the door. However, as I calmly explained the situation and responded to her nasty words with sugar-sweet kindness and laughed at myself (taking full responsibility for my escapee rabbit), her face thawed out. Until you try this, you can't really understand what that means, but it's great to watch. She helped me find my rabbit, and after that, we were friendly neighbors. She actually brought Hannah (my rabbit) back to me with a smile and a joke the next time she escaped.
Think about how this encounter could have gone otherwise. If I had been defensive, called her crazy, been belligerent about her weird yard, or raised my voice, I could have had my eyes gouged out like Prince Charming! But seriously, I could have cemented the idea that I was a jerk and that we'd never be good neighbors. I could have "won the fight" but the war would be lost. Our remaining time in that house would have been super awkward as we strove to avoid each other. Also, that's a great way to ruin my witness for Jesus. These are not the greatest options.
Another example. When I worked at a day camp at the YMCA in Tennessee, we were taught conflict management very similar to the way I had been raised. An angry father stormed into the gym one day, looking for his kid who was currently at the swimming pool. I listened sympathetically (figure out your sympathetic face if it doesn't come easily to you), validated his concerns ("I understand. That really is frustrating."), assured him his child would be there soon, and watched his whole stance relax. By letting him vent, not trying to defend myself (why would I?), and being completely calm and kind, I helped him feel safe, validated, and calm. He actually had a normal conversation with me after that and even apologized for being upset. Again, think how this situation could have played out if I had escalated the situation by deciding, "This guy is a jerk. Who does he think he is, running in here and accusing me of something that I have nothing to do with? What's his problem? I have the right to be angry and to put him in his place. I definitely have the right to defend myself and shut him up!" What good would that have done? Even if I had "won" and put him in his place, we would both have been angry and maybe gone our respective ways to talk crap about each other and stew in our nasty little hearts. Instead, we parted with smiles and a legitimately good feeling. We had conflict and we resolved it. It feels good...because it's right.
So, take this a step further. When you and a family member or a boy/girlfriend disagree about something, and you've determined this through the discussion stage, what do you do? Think through these variables:
1) Is it a good time to figure this out? Are either of you emotionally compromised or too tired to think rationally?
2) Is it worth hashing out? Is it a small enough issue that a concession on your part would do a favor for the other person and not cause bitterness in your heart? (P.S. You are never allowed to bring up favors you've done for the other person to argue a point. It's not a favor at that point: it's a debt that you've forced on them. Not cool.)
3) Do you want to come to a compromise or agreement on this or do you just want to be right? That's not a good starting point.
The goal of conflict and arguments for my husband and me is to help each other understand something, to work out whatever we disagree on, or to figure out how to love each other better than we are doing currently. We never fight. Fighting only builds walls. It doesn't solve anything. We love each other, we value our marriage, and for those reasons, we will never fight each other. We disagree on issues pretty often. We get hurt; we misunderstand. We get frustrated. We are two different people with different personalities who were raised differently. It's ok to disagree or to express that our feelings have been hurt. But we do not go head to head over an issue. Instead, we stand together and attack the issue. The goal is better communication and better understanding for the future. Loving someone actively involves letting go of your need to "be right" or "win" and listening to what they have to say, respecting their opinion enough to withhold unkind or angry words, and seeing the issue as the problem to solve, not viewing the other person as the problem.
If you have a story to back up my theory, if you have recommendations for good books on this issue, or if you want to share your experiences with fighting vs. arguing vs. disagreeing, please share in the comments below!
Life is full of opportunities to love. Don't waste it on unkindness and fights.
Photo credit: Clay Banks on Unsplash.com
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