Love and what we should do with it

While I was driving to work today, I was thinking of the ongoing debate in churches about homosexuality. (When I say ongoing, I mean that this debate is a couple thousand years old.) I thought of the different memes I see on Facebook like "Not accepting your lifestyle is different than hate" etc. So I was thinking on that.

Love is a word that we toss around a lot in society, and hence, a lot of people (not just teens) are confused as to what the word means. My husband and I have thought about this and agree that love means "dedication to the highest good of another person." When you're in a relationship, attraction/chemistry is the feel-good part. That's not love itself. It's very good for a relationship and often starts the relationship. But that's not love. Love is the choice you make, daily, to commit to that person and to their good. 

Jesus calls us to love others. The Bible, His Word, lays out the way this world works. God is good, God is love, and the world works according to who He is since He created it. In Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis talks about the world and morality being like a machine: if you run a machine according to its instructions, it works well. If you try to take shortcuts or run the machine the opposite of how it is supposed to be run, it will break down, and it won't run as efficiently. So, the "rules" in the Bible are the instruction manual for how the world works. 

Patrick Wood, in his blog, said,

"I believe that God created the universe.  I have come to believe that the universe works in harmony with itself and all its respective pieces interact with all the other pieces because God is love.  Not that God is a god of love like Mars is the god of war.  I mean that God is love.  It is His very nature.  It defines His existence.  And He created the universe.  Therefore the basic moral and functional code of the universe is love.

I do not believe Christianity is following a bunch of rules.  I do not believe that you have to follow "these" X number of steps or rules to find happiness or success.  I do not believe you have do do X, Y, and Z to have a happy marriage.  I believe that the answer to it all is love."

According to the Bible (1 Tim. 1:10, 1 Corinthians 6:9, etc.) the act of two men or two women having sex is a sin, like sex outside marriage is a sin. Or pornography. Or caring about objects more than people. Or cheating on your spouse. Or lying. Or hurting someone on purpose. Or disrespecting your parents (Exodus 20:12). Or calling someone names (Matt. 5:22). Or being angry with someone. I understand why LGBT believes that Christians hate homosexuals. Some Christians are confused and judgmental and DO hate homosexuals. Nobody likes being called a sinner, and we call the whole darn world sinners! The Bible is not picking on homosexuals -- it's addressing the sins of everyone in the whole world. That's a lot of different sins.

All of us sin. If I decide not to love someone who sins, I won't love anyone.

However, this is not the response Jesus required. Remember, He is the Creator of the universe, and He said, "Love one another." (John 13:34-35, John 15:12-17) His whole life on earth as a man demonstrated love toward everyone. He loved the crippled and oppressed, who were looked down on in society. He loved women, who were about as valued as dirt in that society. He loved adulterers. He loved tax collectors, who cheated people. He loved rough and uneducated fishermen. He loved the Pharisees by pointing out their wrong thinking that was leading them astray. He forgave sins left and right. (Remember, He suffered horribly on the cross for each sin they committed, so it was personal.) He loved everyone He came in contact with. He listened to each person and saw into their hearts, and He loved them. If He (who created us to be like Him) can see all the dirt and sin and nastiness in peoples' hearts and love us despite it, then we have no excuse for not loving the people around us.

So yes, I can disagree with your lifestyle and still love you and want what's best for you. I do this with my family, my spouse, my friends, and my coworkers all the time! They're all sinners just like me, and I love them. So saying that I believe that homosexuality is wrong but that I love homosexuals just like everyone else shouldn't be hard to accept. (And by the way, this is not just generally true, but specifically true. I have good friends who are gay, and I love them dearly.)

Loving someone is intentional. So Christians, when you love people, or when you say you love homosexuals like everyone else, that means more than tolerance. The world calls for tolerance, but Jesus calls us higher (as usual). No one wants to be "tolerated." It's like being ignored. You don't want your spouse to "tolerate" you. Loving is really looking out for the people around you and being kind and considerate for their good, no matter how they treat you. 

So...saying that you love homosexuals is great, but if you dislike your neighbor because their dog barks and poops on your lawn, you're still not following what Jesus said. You're not living the way you're designed to live. You're still taking a shortcut. If you say you love people who are different from you, that's great, but what about the boyfriend that cheated on you and tore your heart out? Have you forgiven him? How about the parent that made you feel like you were worthless or dirty? Have you forgiven them? How about the bully? The coworker that is condescending and tries to make you look bad? The person who gossips about you and tries to ruin your reputation? Have you forgiven those people? Are you loving them? Let's think about that. 

God calls us to love everyone we come in contact with. That's what Jesus did. And if you ask Him, He will give you His love to people when you just can't love or forgive them on your own. So ask Him to, even if you don't want to. 

Let's go out there and love.

Photo credit: Michael Fenton on unsplash.com

The Woman Caught in Adultery

Inspired by John 8:2-11

“Is he the Christ?”

“No man ever spoke like this man!”

“No prophet comes from Galilee.”

His voice is powerful as he teaches

He sits and speaks like we matter

We cannot look away from those eyes

They see us as we are.

                Then

The temple door flings open

Our leaders, the Pharisees, come marching in

                Robes flowing

                Beards magnificent

                Eyes regarding us

                From the heights.

They drag a woman

                Clothes rumpled

                Hair disheveled

                Eyes full

                Of fear, of SHAME

“Teacher!” they shout

So we all can hear

Like their lives,

This too is a performance.

They, the antagonists in this tragedy.

Their voices are triumphant

Finally, they know how this will end.

“This woman was caught in adultery!

In the very act!”

They puff up their chests as we gasp

We stare at her,

Mesmerized by this sinner’s awful shame

“Moses commanded that such – “

They gesture to the heap of sin between them –

“should be stoned.”

We look at each other, excited.

Yes, death is the answer to this problem

                But

The Romans – our blood boils –

Do not allow us to condemn to death!

                But

Jesus cannot let this woman go!

He, our great prophet, our teacher,

Cannot violate Jehovah’s Law!

Some of us realize

This is what they have done.

What will Jesus do?

We look back at him, breathless.

What is he doing?

We crane our necks to look

Why, he’s scribbling on the floor!

Did he hear them? We whisper to each other.

Jesus, can’t you see they’re testing you?

The woman’s strength finally fails.

She collapses to the ground

“Why isn’t he here with me?”

She whispers, sobs

“He said he loved me!

He said he’d care for me!”

She covers her weeping eyes.

A foot jabs her in the side.

She is not worthy of tears.

“Teacher!”

They are impatient with the tragic hero

In this play

His fatal flaw: his claim to be I AM

Why does he still write on the stones?

Sweat beads every forehead

Mingles with the adulteress’ tears

Running through the cracks

In the stones

Toward Jesus’ invisible words.

They stamp,

We’re all impatient for the end.

“Teacher!”

He looks up

We hold our breath

He stands and looks each of us

                In the eye.

“He who is without sin,

Let him throw the first stone.”

Their eyes widen.

We wait, ready now for a stoning.

Jesus stoops down

                And writes.

The leader with the whitest beard

                And weakest steps

Rises

And leaves.

The man holding the woman

Lets go

And leaves.

One

                By

                                One.

We all leave.

Our sins – our own sins – condemn us.

Looking back, we see Jesus rise.

“Woman.”

She raises her tear streaked face

                Abandoned by her lover

                Abandoned by accusers

                Alone with God.

“Where are your accusers?

Has no one condemned you?”

Shaking, she speaks,

                “No one, Lord.”

His eyes meet hers

She cannot look away

Her shaking stops.

He takes her hand and

                Gently – so gently –

                Lifts her up.

“Neither do I condemn you.”

New tears slide down her face.

“Go, and sin no more.”

Man and mankind betrayed her

But this is not just a man.

She looks in his eyes

One last time

She knows she is saved

                Not just from stoning

Her heart, her soul, are free

Her life belongs to the Teacher

No man and no gossip

Will own it ever again.

She whispers, “Thank You.”

And he knows.

She turns and walks out

Into the Light.

Photo credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash.com

Discuss - Argue - Fight

Once upon a time, in my sophomore English class, a young man raised his hand and contributed this statement to the class discussion:

"Fighting is part of a healthy relationship."

I can only assume that he was raised this way, that it was easy to justify his own relationships that way, and that he really believed what he said. Think about modern television ( Survivor, Disney channel,choose a sitcom any sitcom, etc.) and pop songs (Pink: "Blow Me One Last Kiss", Maroon 5 in general, Christina Perri: "Jar of Hearts"). The media completely supports his statement. Why would he think otherwise?

But I think otherwise. Because

1) I believe the Bible when it says, "Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him” (Proverbs 26:4), "the godless in heart cherish anger" (Job 36:13) and "Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the heart of fools" (Ecc. 7:9).

2) I grew up in a home where we were not allowed raise our voices, call names, or say hurtful things. If we disagreed or were mad, we were required to "work it out,"  give apologies and ask/give forgiveness. My household was fun, peaceful at the core, and we loved each other actively, if sometimes grudgingly, in the midst of conflict.

3)  I've seen the lasting pain and fear that come from fighting in the home. I conclude that learning to deal with conflict is helpful. Strife is not.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary,

Discuss means "a. To investigate by reasoning or argument. b. To present in detail for examination or consideration. c. To talk about." (Basically, to talk.)

Argue means "a. To give reasons for or against something. b. To contend or disagree in words." (Basically, to try to persuade.)

Fight means "a. To use weapons or physical force to try to hurt someone, to defeat an enemy, etc. b. To struggle in battle or physical combat. c. To argue in an angry way." (Basically, to try to dominate.)

I lived with a friend at one point whose goal in conflict was to win. Sounds normal, right? When you disagree with someone, you usually want to "win" the argument, like in debate club where you persuade someone to your point of view. When she encountered conflict, she brought up anything negative about me as well as any issues that she had kept to herself till that point, and she was not exactly logical. Her goal was to beat me down, not resolve the conflict. Guess how well that works.

The results of this common mindset are varied and logical:
People avoid conflict with you.
People lie to you to avoid conflict.
People harbor resentment against you that they'll never resolve with you because they know exactly how that "conversation" will go. It will turn into a fight that they are not allowed to win.
Your relationships are on the rocks without you even knowing it.
You lose friends quickly.
Any argument turns into a fight because if the other person is desperate enough to discuss it, they know they'll have to be louder, angrier, or more hurtful to shut you up and get their point across.

Makes sense, right? But people with this mindset don't understand that these results are happening. No one will be open with them because the other person wants to avoid a fight. Do the verses above about "godless" and "fools" make sense now?

So. What are some other options?

Here's the way I see it.

Conflict is an opportunity. For what? For growth. For learning. When you disagree with someone, you have a couple choices. You can concede to their opinion/idea and humbly give up your own, or you can calmly discuss your option with them. You can start by discussing the options, presenting different ideas. Then, if you feel it is important to argue your own point, you argue, using reasons (pros and cons, logistics, beliefs, etc.) that directly relate to the issue. You do not let any negative emotions color your wording, you do not raise your voice, and you do not lash out. When you both decide to be calm and listen to the other person's point of view, your relationship can actually grow  and strengthen through the conflict.

Let me give a couple examples. It's crazy how being completely calm and kind can radically change an argument.

When I lived in Colorado, we had bunnies and a crazy neighbor. I call the neighbor crazy because we lived in a fairly normal neighborhood, but she planted cacti, barbed wire, and "Trespassers will be shot" signs. The front door was almost impossible to access because of the cacti and sharp plants that surrounded it. My bunny escaped and ran into her backyard. Gulp. She had already confronted us angrily about the bunny in the past. I needed to get my dumb rabbit back, so I screwed up my courage and traveled through Maleficent's thorns, past her "Trespassers will die" sign to ring her doorbell. Her face was contorted in anger already when she opened the door. However, as I calmly explained the situation and responded to her nasty words with sugar-sweet kindness and laughed at myself (taking full responsibility for my escapee rabbit), her face thawed out. Until you try this, you can't really understand what that means, but it's great to watch. She helped me find my rabbit, and after that, we were friendly neighbors. She actually brought Hannah (my rabbit) back to me with a smile and a joke the next time she escaped.

Think about how this encounter could have gone otherwise. If I had been defensive, called her crazy, been belligerent about her weird yard, or raised my voice, I could have had my eyes gouged out like Prince Charming! But seriously, I could have cemented the idea that I was a jerk and that we'd never be good neighbors. I could have "won the fight" but the war would be lost. Our remaining time in that house would have been super awkward as we strove to avoid each other. Also, that's a great way to ruin my witness for Jesus. These are not the greatest options.

Another example. When I worked at a day camp at the YMCA in Tennessee, we were taught conflict management very similar to the way I had been raised. An angry father stormed into the gym one day, looking for his kid who was currently at the swimming pool. I listened sympathetically (figure out your sympathetic face if it doesn't come easily to you), validated his concerns ("I understand. That really is frustrating."), assured him his child would be there soon, and watched his whole stance relax. By letting him vent, not trying to defend myself (why would I?), and being completely calm and kind, I helped him feel safe, validated, and calm. He actually had a normal conversation with me after that and even apologized for being upset. Again, think how this situation could have played out if I had escalated the situation by deciding, "This guy is a jerk. Who does he think he is, running in here and accusing me of something that I have nothing to do with? What's his problem? I have the right to be angry and to put him in his place. I definitely have the right to defend myself and shut him up!" What good would that have done? Even if I had "won" and put him in his place, we would both have been angry and maybe gone our respective ways to talk crap about each other and stew in our nasty little hearts. Instead, we parted with smiles and a legitimately good feeling. We had conflict and we resolved it. It feels good...because it's right.

So, take this a step further. When you and a family member or a boy/girlfriend disagree about something, and you've determined this through the discussion stage, what do you do? Think through these variables:
1) Is it a good time to figure this out? Are either of you emotionally compromised or too tired to think rationally?
2) Is it worth hashing out? Is it a small enough issue that a concession on your part would do a favor for the other person and not cause bitterness  in your heart? (P.S. You are never allowed to bring up favors you've done for the other person to argue a point. It's not a favor at that point: it's a debt that you've forced on them. Not cool.)
3) Do you want to come to a compromise or agreement on this or do you just want to be right? That's not a good starting point.

The goal of conflict and arguments for my husband and me is to help each other understand something, to work out whatever we disagree on, or to figure out how to love each other better than we are doing currently. We never fight. Fighting only builds walls. It doesn't solve anything. We love each other, we value our marriage, and for those reasons, we will never fight each other. We disagree on issues pretty often. We get hurt; we misunderstand. We get frustrated. We are two different people with different personalities who were raised differently. It's ok to disagree or to express that our feelings have been hurt. But we do not go head to head over an issue. Instead, we stand together and attack the issue. The goal is better communication and better understanding for the future. Loving someone actively involves letting go of your need to "be right" or "win" and listening to what they have to say, respecting their opinion enough to withhold unkind or angry words, and seeing the issue as the problem to solve, not viewing the other person as the problem.

My mom-in-law often says that most marriage problems could be solved if people were willing to "just be nice!!" There's something to that.

If you have a story to back up my theory, if you have recommendations for good books on this issue, or if you want to share your experiences with fighting vs. arguing vs. disagreeing, please share in the comments below!

Life is full of opportunities to love. Don't waste it on unkindness and fights.

Photo credit: Clay Banks on Unsplash.com